Digging myself out of the depression hole

image from steelmore

Where have I been and what have I been doing for the last two weeks? Well, I haven’t been posting here. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been productive, though. Despite what the casual observer may think, I have been busy digging. Digging!

Since May of last year I have managed to sink further and further into a fitness rut, and I swear this thing is made of quicksand. Every attempt to pull myself out of it has resulted in me sinking a little bit more into the depths. I haven’t quite been able to get enough momentum to keep going. It’s a slippery slope and it has been next to impossible to overcome.I think it started in May when I had a mechanical problem with my bike on an organized ride in Nashville. I became discouraged that day. The day my husband and I were riding bikes and he was actually bitten by a dog - not merely chased and scared to death, as we are accustomed to - only made matters worse for me. Mentally, I lost desire to climb on my bike. Fear was the emotion that ended up overriding all others. Hip and back pain that tied me down to weekly chiropractor appointments were the final straw. The simple act of doing my indoor cycling classes was enough to make me hurt for days. The thought of climbing on my actual bike eventually never even crossed my mind. I was beaten down and felt defeated. The rut grew deeper.

What happened next was a chain reaction that has gotten me into this big ass hole that started as a little pothole. Not riding my bike was an excuse not to exercise at all. Having hip and back and leg and knee pain that required regular chiropractic visits gave me the excuse not to do any other form of exercise. I stopped teaching my indoor cycling classes for a month, even. Thankfully, I decided to at least go back to that or I would be working on 10 months of absolutely ZERO activity.

The chain reaction was more than fitness related. It trickled down into my eating habits. The foods that once were off limits or limited to special occasions - such as white potatoes, cheese, sweets, sodas, etc. - soon made their way back into my everyday life. My portions were still reasonable, with the occasional exceptions of a second serving at dinner, but I totally lost my perspective when it came to eating. Couple that with lack of movement and energy expenditure and what do you have? A total mess, that’s what!

Truth is, I became depressed. There really is no better word for it. There is no way to package it nicely and make it look better than it really is. Coming to this conclusion has not been easy for me. Despite knowing better, the part of me that it programmed to live healthy, eat healthy, and be active has managed to stay somewhat in the forefront. While some may think this is a good thing, I beg to differ. It has been very detrimental to the whole process. It has blinded me to the reality of the situation and has prolonged the final diagnosis. But that isn’t the important thing. The important thing is that it finally happened and now I can do something about it.

Back to the first part of this entry -

I’ve been DIGGING! For the past couple of weeks, I’m gradually digging myself out of this rut that I’ve been stuck in for so long. I’ve already talked about getting back to eating breakfast every day and thinking more about the foods I eat. That was the first step. I’ve picked up the shovel, though, and started digging a bit harder. I’ve started a workout routine. I’ve even managed to take it slow so I avoid overdoing it and backsliding, which is what has happened in the past.

The process is a slow one. I’m basically starting all over from scratch. I have to remind myself that I can’t just jump into things and pick up where I left off. I can’t do my workout routines of running, cycling, burpees, heavy weight training, twice a week yoga classes. I’m not at that fitness level now. I have to start small and work my way back. I have to gradually dig away the deposits and slowly pull myself out. Doing much more than that will only hurt me, not help me. It’s a hard pill to swallow, admittedly. I want to just do what I was doing before. I want to feel like I felt before. But that person has gotten buried and I have to chip away slowly to reveal her again. It will happen. But I must have patience. It is going to take time.

If you are looking for me, I’ll be the one slowly digging the sand out from around her in the gym. I’m the one on the elliptical with the headphones on listening to some Xavier Rudd and smiling, happy to just be out from under the depression cloud for once - anxiously awaiting Spring because it’s time to climb back on that bicycle and ride.